


It's Cherry Pink and Blossom White (when your true lover comes your way)

by sijay



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: 5 Times, Cheesy, I love her I'm really sorry, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nick is a little bit kinky, Pining, all they do is pining, and they cry too, angst for maybe two lines, lauren doesn't exist here, pink kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 16:23:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sijay/pseuds/sijay
Summary: The first time Nick meets Howie, he’s speechless – literally, and it’s his mom, Mrs. Carter, who introduces him.And while Nick can’t help but feel stupid and childish, his brain is totally burnt, because Howie is simply beautiful – so much that he’s not sure there are the right words in the world to describe him.





	It's Cherry Pink and Blossom White (when your true lover comes your way)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!   
> I start saying that this is _not_ what I had planned when I started writing it.  
> It was supposed to be a 5 times + 1 but is just a 5 times, and sex had to be written but honestly- no. Maybe I'll add a scene later.
> 
> The prompt was born with me in a cold January fangirling with @howieshair (IG) about how good Howie looks when he wears pink. I started writing kinky, but then I ended up writing the worst fluff ever. I'm sorry, cherry, but this for you anyway. Hope you'll like it.
> 
> There's also an unnecessary spam of the nickname "Nicky", just because I like it. And because I'm kinky, too. @anywhereforbsb (IG) knows it. Thanks for everything and more, Rola.
> 
> The story is what it is, I've worked on it for so long I'm almost getting sick of it. English isn't my first language; be kind, please. I'm weak.
> 
> The title is the homonym song by Pérez Prado.

**I.**

 

The first time Nick meets Howie, he’s speechless – literally, and it’s his mom, Mrs. Carter, who introduces him.

 

And while Nick can’t help but feel stupid and childish, his brain is totally burnt, because Howie is simply _beautiful_ – so much that he’s not sure there are the right words in the world to describe him.

 

Howie is almost nineteen years old, dark, curly hair (Nick asks himself how does it feels touching it, and his fingers are wildly tense trying to stay away from it), sweet and gentle eyes, a bright smile, and his skin is tanned, which turns his pink jacket an absolutely right choice.

 

Before then, Nick thought pink was a girly color, but now _everything_ has changed; Howie is not a girl, and he’s definitely not girly, but that pink jacket keeps reflecting the sunlight, and Nick’s sure that it’s a gift from God because he’s been a good boy for the entire year.

 

Howie is smiling at him and Nick find himself doing the same like an idiot, and after five slow seconds, he realizes that Howie is talking, and he’s talking to _him_.

 

“W-what?”

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him right now, he usually keeps talking and shouting all the time. But he’s still young, he’s just being shy” Mrs. Carter says, shaking his hand. “Howie, I hope you’re gonna take care of him when I’ll not be around”

 

“Mom!”

 

Nick tries desperately to hide the blush on his cheeks, but the humiliation makes everything worse; he loves his mom, but sometimes he wishes not to have her around at all.

 

He regrets the thought after two seconds.

 

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Carter, if necessary, we’ll help to wash himself, too!”

  
“AJ!” Howie hit his hand on the other’s chest, and AJ shrugs. “Nick’s not a baby anymore. If it’s good for him, we’d like to eat something together. Hot chocolate, maybe?”

 

Nick looks at him full of gratitude, then he nods enthusiastically and tugs his hand from his mother’s, hiding behind Howie’s arm.

 

Jane Carter’s expression seems a bit lost, but she agrees. “See you later, Nicky” she says with a flick, and Nick stares at his mom walking away on the street, and for a moment, he feels lost.

 

Howie looks at him doubtful: “Are you sure you wanna come? You’re still in time to go with her. It’s okay, really” he reassures Nick, but the latter shakes his head firmly. 

 

Yes, he always misses his mum, when she’s not with him, and he could meet Howie the day after anyway, but Howie and AJ seem pretty close already, and Nick he’s aware he has to catch up a lot of things.

 

And, above everything, Howie has taken his hand (to be fair, he has tried with AJ, too, but he has received such a killer face back, so probably Howie’s not gonna try anymore – better like this, Nick thinks) and he doesn’t seem to have intention in letting it go, and this makes Nick forget his mother for good.

 

“I want hot chocolate whit whipped cream.”

 

 

**II.**

 

Nick is grateful for everything that’s happened to him being in the band (almost everything, to be honest, but the bad things are so not important and Nick prefers not to think about them), and he’s always been happy to take his responsibilities as one of the members into it, but if there’s one thing that he still doesn’t get, that’s why meetings for their clothes exist.

It’s not like Nancy doesn’t know all their sizes, anyway.

 

Yes, Nick’s been taking several inches every year since a few year, now, and he’s starting to develop some muscles (not that much, but enough for AJ to stop making fun of him by telling people he wears girly sizes), but a checkup once or twice per year should be enough.

 

Nick huffs once again and Howie, his head resting on the table, smiles.

 

“You can’t avoid this, Nicky. You’re growing up, and this arms need more fabric to be covered” he laughs, poking his biceps.

 

Nick can’t help but blush.

Apparently, there’s not other way; it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, o that Howie is just kidding; Nick Carter has been made to turn into a very mature tomato every single time his band mate does inappropriate things – like breathing, just saying.

 

“Yeah, thank you very much” Nick grunts, pushing away from the table with his feet and spinning slowly on his chair.

  
“I’m not kidding, Nicky. If you go on like this, you’ll become even more beautiful than Kevin!”

 

Nick is about to thank him, then he shuts his mouth. “You think Kevin is beautiful?” he asks.

 

To be honest, the real question is not that one. 

Because even Nick is aware that Kevin is beautiful.

  
_Do you think Kevin is better than me?_ it’s what he actually wanna know, but he knows better than ask Howie so.

 

Howie’s probably going to answer him, but right in that moment, the other band mates come and Nancy is already in charge exposing all her theories, so he doesn’t.

 

Nick, on his side, has way more important things to think about than stupid clothes.

 

Kevin is sitting on his left, and he takes his time to stare at him.  
Well, Kevin is pretty beautiful. Not as much as Howie, but he’s more than okay.

 

Nick appreciates his straight nose and his almost-too-long hair, that frames his face in a way Nick’s will never do.

 

Suddenly, Kevin turns his eyes to him, and he smiles curiously.

 

“Hi, Nick” he whispers, but Nick pouts and doesn’t speak for the rest of the meeting.

 

 

“AJ and Kevin’s clothes are hard to make, and we’re trying to match them with the make-up” Nancy is explaining, moving his hands at every word she says. “Brian, go to Mark, he has to take your tooth imprint for the wolf’s teeth. I’m telling you; it’s fucking uncomfortable” she warns him, and Brian visibly cringes.

 

Nancy stares at Howie and Nick: “You two, instead, have to follow me. We have to choose your non-monster clothes”

 

“I’m gonna be covered of toiler paper for most of the time, can’t I do it another time?” Nick groans.

 

Nancy burns him through her thick lenses. 

 

 

Finding the right clothes for Nick it’s, luckily, quite easy; so easy that he doesn’t even wanna discuss it.

 

It’s pretty obvious that Nancy hates him a lot, anyway, and he’s really grateful for Howie trying not to laugh.

 

“So...” Howie comments when they’re finally alone.

“ _Please_ ” Nick almost whimpers, “let it go”.

 

“It’s not that bad” says his friend, and Nick feels that Howie’s being honest, but it doesn’t mean that shirt plus the golden vest make him look like he’s-

 

“\- a gay pirate. Weren’t you supposed to be a mummy, Nick?”

 

AJ barely avoids Nick’s shoe, snickering.

 

Nick feels himself dangerously on the verge of tears.

 

“AJ, you’re dick!” Howie shouts, even though AJ is already gone. Nick suspects it’s just for Nick to hear that.

 

“Don’t mind about him” he sighs then, resting his chin on Nick’s shoulder and looking at him through the mirror. “You look really good, AJ’s just full of shit”

 

The thing is, it’s not _really_ shit. Not everything.

 

Nick has never said anything to anyone, not even to himself, but he’s pretty sure there’s a part of him that isn’t totally straight.

 

It’s the same part that makes him wince every time Howie looks at him with his ridiculously big eyes, or that makes his chest purr when Nick comb his hair and Howie involuntary pushes his head against Nick’s hand.

 

The same hand he has touched himself with years before, slowly, making more moans than necessary and coming after a miserable minute, Howie’s name stuck between his lips e held by his blanket, while his friend was a few meters from him, oblivious in his sleep.

 

Nick doesn’t even feel guilty.

 

“No, he’s right” he mumbles, touching Howie’s head with his own, “it’s horrible even for me”.

 

“I bet Brian’s gonna have some troubles with those fangs! I can’t wait to see him”

 

Nick feels a little bit better after that, but not really.

 

Nancy comes back a few minutes later with a shirt on each hand, and she waves them in front of Howie.

 

“So, which one?”

 

Howie decides to try them both.

 

While he’s dressing, Nick makes sure to be quite busy staring at the buttons of his own shirt.

 

Damn, AJ is right: he looks _gay_ , pirate or not.

 

“Okay, how is it?”

 

Nick looks up at Howie and he wanna answer, really, but his voice stays in his throat and instead an appreciative sound comes out – _too much_ appreciative –.

 

Howie’s shirt his purple, not really thight but enough for Nick to feel something else become thight and- 

 

“This one” he rasps. “Wear this one”

 

“Wait, I haven’t tried the other one yet-”

 

The other one is sickeningly light blue.

 

“No, this one” Nick repeats, getting a suspicious look by Nancy, whom reluctantly takes back the shirt.

 

“I liked this one more, to be honest” in fact she says, but Howie shakes his head.

 

“Nah, I think I’m gonna listen Nicky. The purple one” he confirms, carefully unbuttoning it.

 

Nick sighs in relief, but quietly.

 

“Take a look on Jakyll and Hyde!”

 

Nick struggles to recognize Kevin under all that make-up, but he doesn’t struggle to recognize his abs, since he’s hanging around shirtless.

 

So, _that’s_ why Howie likes Kevin.

 

“What the fuck!” he blurts, before holding himself.

  
“What’s happenin’?” Kevin asks, worried, and Nick hates him with all his heart.

  
“Why are you so _hot_?” he whines, wishing he could rip his vest off. Instead, he’s forced to be careful and put it on the hanger, and it’s really frustrating.

 

Kevin doesn’t grasp the problem, and he looks at the mirror: “It’s just the make-up, kid. You look good dressed like this. Weren’t you supposed to be a mummy?”.

 

This time, Nick bursts into tears with no restraint.

 

 

**III.**

 

“Why it’s summer and my lips are fucking dry?”

 

Nick sighs, and put back in a really tiny part of his brain all the twenty-five dirty answers he got for him.

 

It’s not like Howie does it on purpose, that’s clear.

Neither does Nick, to be honest, and actually, it’s not that funny.

 

Nick looks at Howie, and his heart misses a beat. And then other things happens, but he’s not too much proud of it.

And when Howie speaks, or sings, his stomach tightens in a way that Nick doesn’t know whether it’s good or not yet.

 

If Howie decides to look at him, or talk to him, or sing for him, Nick’s brain cells just freeze and goodbye, it’s been good y’all.

 

And it was quite good, at the beginning; Nick has always loved himself (in a twisted way that he can’t explain) for having decided that no matter how many girls there will be in his life, his heart will always be Howie’s.

Nick loves that sense of loyalty, even though the person he has given it to, doesn’t know it – and he never will, and this hurts a little bit.

 

Because at the same time, that same kind of loyalty, Howie gave it to another person, and for how Nick keeps telling himself that _maybe_ it’s not his destiny, Howie to be his, his brain whispers so many wrong things.

 

_Maybe if you had spoken to him, now he’d be yours._

 

_If you really wanted him, you would’ve taken him away from her._

 

Nick shakes hard his head, so he can ignore all those stupid thoughts.

 

 

“There was this fan before- she threw me this lip gloss. Here, it’s still sealed”

 

The lip gloss in question is made by a brand pretty expensive and it’s bright pink, whit even sparkles in it.

Nick has not idea why a fan should hand him stuff like that, but it’s okay taking it – according with the “Things We Can Accept by Fans” list Kevin and Brian did years before (AJ gave his contribution for a while, at least until he put “strawberry flavored condoms” on it and Kevin unceremoniously sent him away), so-

 

Howie stares at it, puzzled: “Do you think I’m a fourteen-year-old? And it’s not my shade!” he whines, but he opens it anyway.

 

Nick snorts: “It’s just a fucking lip gloss, don’t be boring. You know what? Keep your mouth dry” he retorts, trying to get it back, but Howie put his arm behind himself.

 

“I didn’t say that I don’t want it. This is a goddamn _Mac_ ”

 

Oh, that’s the brand, yes. Nick is pretty sure he saw it into Kirstin’s bag.

 

“Why do you know these things?” he asks, and he can’t help but grin when Howie blushes.

 

“Because I don’t live in a cave! And it’s Leigh’s favorite brand” he mumbles, opening the lip gloss’ cap and observing the brush doubtfully. 

 

Nick’s eye twitches.

 

It’s a tic that he’s been having for years; years spent listening to “Leigh _this_ , Leigh _that_ ”, and too much tongue between their making out sessions that seem to be longer and more annoying time by time.

 

His eye twitches again.

Damn.

 

“There’s not even a mirror, here. How am I supposed to put it on without a fucking mirror?!”

 

Howie is on the verge of hysteria, and Nick feels like he’s going to follow him.

 

“Howie, your balls have just fallen off” he says, smiling, and Howie just glare at him.

 

Then Nick, in a totally stupid way, with no reason at all, just hears himself saying: “I can do it to you”.

 

He feels kind of guilty seeing how happy and relieved Howie is while handing him the object of his sins.

If Howie learned to be a little bit more dirty, Nick wouldn’t have such problems.

 

But then, he thinks, while his friend asks him how he’s supposed to put his lips, that he likes Howie just like that.

In a life full of AJs, it’s cool having a Howie.

 

“I don’t know, just smile- not like that, fuck” Nick laughs, his hand shaking too close to the other’s mouth.

 

Howie makes an impatient sound and smiles again, this time with less effort, just enough for his lips to be slightly far from each other.

 

Nick realizes he’s in big troubles.

Howie is the start of the most beautiful porn in the highest quality, that’s it.

 

“Okay, now stay still” he says quietly, taking the cream with the brush and slowly spreading it on his upper lip. When he’s done and satisfied enough with his work, he pushes his finger on Howie’s lower lip.

 

“Open a little more, otherwise it will smear outside” he says, and when he realizes what he has just said it’s too late, and Howie is chuckling.

 

“Nick-”

“Dude, you’re thirty-eight” Nick shakes his head, but it doesn’t help, because his aware of his burning cheeks.

 

“Sorry” Howie takes a serious expression and stays still, even though sometimes he can’t hold on a snort.

 

Nick ignores him, and he also ignores Howie’s eyes on him, focusing with tongue between his teeth.

 

Howie smiles: “You’re good” he notices, and Nick knows that he’s saying so because he’s nice and feels like he has to thank him someway – or even just because their noses are basically touching and embarrassment has to be filled with something else –, but his chest purrs with pride.

 

“I practiced with my sisters” he shrugs, starting his lower lip. “When we went out, Angel always forgot that he had lipstick; she ate like a pig and then too lazy to go to the bathroom to put it back on. Apparently I’m better than a mirror” he murmurs, and the memory it’s funny.

 

Sometimes he misses Angel too much.

 

Howie nods, and pushes a strand of hair aside from Nick’s face: “You’re definitely cuter than a mirror” he states.

Howie’s tone is not actually serious, but he says it while looking at him in the eyes, and doesn’t seems like he wanna stops anytime soon.

 

Nick smiles wryly, but his hands go back to Howie’s mouth – and yes, maybe he’s taking more time than necessary.

 

“Done!” he announces at some point. “Now, rub them together and you’re gonna be okay”

 

Howie does as said, and he seems embarrassed.

 

“I feel like a bit idiot” he nervously admits, swinging on his feet. “How do I look?”

 

_That’s a hell of a good work_ , Nick thinks with an inner smirk, staring at how his lips are sparkling with the sunlight, but not enough to be too obvious.

The light pink makes contrast with his dark skin.

 

Nick tries to find a right comment – a “let’s not ruin a beautiful friendship in a step” kind of right, to be clear, and he bites his own tongue.

 

“Good” he manages to say, his voice rough, “fucking good”.

 

Howie smiles happily, and squeezes Nick on him arms: “Thanks, Nicky” he whispers, and Nick melts a little bit, and his hands grip on Howie’s shirt collar.

 

And while Nick finds himself praying for that moment not to ever have an end, Howie kisses his neck. It lasts just a moment, and Nick startles, but then Howie is far again – too far.

 

“Let’s go” he says, still smiling. And it’s not a fake smile. Howie, Nick realizes, doesn’t have any problem, because he’ll always be the little brother.

 

Nick feels the disappointment stubbornly burning in his stomach.

  
“Ju-just go” he stutters, “I’m coming in a minute”.

 

Howie looks at him, uncertain.

 

_Please just leave_ , Nick thinks, then Howie just nods and just as Nick is alone, he lets himself go against the wall, and lets go everything else, too.

 

It’s not like he didn’t know, he tries to tell himself, barely holding back sobs.

But it doesn’t hurt less, and there’s nothing else to say.

 

 

**IV.**

 

Nick doesn’t really know why he has accepted such a proposal.

 

Nick doesn’t know why he has accepted _a lot_ of proposal that Howie’s been doing to him for all his life, but this one is too much.

 

Howie had came in his room, happy and with shining eyes and a smile so wide Nick had wished to fix it on his wall, and then the bombshell: “Leigh told me she misses me and she wants to come for the last shows of the tour”.

 

Nick had tried to be happy for him and into the news, but the nicest thing he had came up with was: “Hmm. Okay. Cool” and his look had gone back to his phone.

 

_Why are you telling me?_ Nick had wanted to shout, but he hadn’t.

 

Howie’s happiness had visibly faltered, but then his smile had came back – as usual, of course –, and he had asked Nick: “Would you like going to the airport with me?”.

 

Now, Nick is many things, but he’s not an idiot.

And going to the airport to meet the wife of his best friend, which he’s in love with, it’s _really_ idiotic.

 

That’s why his answer had been: “Why not?”.

 

 

And Nick knows the answers to it just in that moment, after an hour and a half spent listening to Howie about how many wonderful parties there are in which he can go with Leigh, and the beautiful restaurants he reserved for Leigh, and the luxurious hotels where they can get a massage.

 

It’s fucking unbearable.

 

And Nick didn’t think that seeing Leigh after a long time would’ve been a good distraction, but he has to change his mind.

 

Because above everything, Leigh is not an enemy; she hugs him hard with a perfect smile, and Nick is relieved of being able to hug someone without feeling too stressed.

 

“Thanks, Nick. Now, get away from my wife” Howie huffs, dragging him by his shoulders.

“That’s offensive” Nick points out, crossing his arms, but he steps aside anyway.

 

Leigh rolls her eyes: “I missed you so much. _Really._ But I’d probably miss you a lot more with a glass of something in front of me. Something _strong_ ” she mumbles, smiling again.

 

And against his own will, Nick thinks Leigh is the most wonderful woman in the world.

 

 

“Look, those pants have your name on them!”

“I don’t think so”

“Nick, tell him, too!”

 

Nick would rather keep his mouth shout and count the time left before going back to his bed and being mad with the whole world, but he follows Leigh’s finger, and-

 

What she’s pointing at is a pair of really tight, pink, leather pants, and Nick swallows loudly.

 

“You- you could try them” Nick tries, and Howie looks betrayed: “ _Man._ You’re supposed to help _me_ , not her! I’m almost forty, I don’t wanna hang out dressed like a douchebag!”

 

“You still got a fine ass, baby”

 

And Nick can only agree.

 

 

It’s been twenty minutes; Leigh’s gone to the women’s clothing and Howie’s still sighing heavily, with the damn pants going from a hand to hand.

 

Apparently, Nick has to do the dirty work.

 

“Are you waiting for them to do all on their own?” he asks, lowering the newspaper.

 

Howie doesn’t replies and that’s unusual already, but Nick doesn’t give up.

 

“You should also try that zebra shirt on your left-”

 

“ _Nick_ ” and Howie sounds so distressed that Nick stops reading the article – looks like Bon Jovi is still fine _as fuck_ – and gets up from the couch, ignoring the costumer’s glare at them.

 

“If you didn’t wanna try it, you could’ve said so. Forget it, we’ll find something else” he snorts, amused by the other’s expression, but when he tries to take the pants away from his hands Howie shakes his head, takes a breath as he’s about to say something, then he sobs and looks like he’s about to cry.

 

“It’s not _that_ ” he blurts.

 

Nick raises his eyebrows because _really_ , and Howie gasps: “Okay, _that_ , too. But I don’t want- you know what? Give it to me. If I’m lucky I can try them before she comes back” he grunts, walking into the dressing room and closing the curtains with a hard pull.

 

“Can’t you say that you tried them even though you didn’t?” Nick suggests, because it’s so _obvious_ (Nick is a pro at lying to Nancy about it).

 

“Maybe I’m gonna feel less guilty”

 

Nick senses a change in the air, and maybe Howie does, too, because from inside the dressing room there’s no sound anymore.

E what Nick does right after that it’s reckless and irresponsible. 

 

He pull the curtains aside with no warning at all, not considering how slow Howie is at dressing himself, and his brain focus on two things: first, he didn’t think he had ever seen something more beautiful than Howie wearing leather pants; the second is- Nick is totally wrong, because Howie wearing unbuttoned, _pink_ , leather pants is so much better.

 

“Nick! Close the curtains, I’m not done yet!” Howie hisses, hitting his chest.

 

Nick closes the curtains.

Behind himself.

 

And it should be weird, but the really weird thing is that Howie’s neck flushes in a way that Nick finds adorable and fucking sexy at the same time, and his eyes widen.

 

“Nick-”

“What happened with Leigh?”

“ _What?_ ”

 

And yes, maybe it’s not the best time to talk about it, maybe he could’ve waited, but Nick isn’t a really good friend.

 

“Leigh. You barely said ‘hi’ and she hugged _me_ first”

“Nicky-”

“Don’t call me that” Nick says, dry.

 

There was a time when he loved that nickname.

Because Howie used it when he wanted to be responsible, but then he wasn’t; when Nick fucked it up and he needed a lecture, but Howie just laughed and then he said “just promise me you’ll not do it again, Nicky”.

 

And Nick did, because it was nice to feel important to someone. Feeling important to Howie was even better.

 

But then they had grown up, and something had changed; “Nicky” was just a way to tell him to go away, and the first time Nicky had felt heartbroken, and then the second, too. By the third, it had gone a little bit better. Or so he had thought.

 

“Why are you crying?” Howie whispers, shaking him up from his own thoughts.

And when Nick’s hand touches his own face to wipe his eyes, he feel other tears, more and faster, streaming down his cheeks.

 

Nick turns quickly around, even though Howie already knows what’s happening. He hates crying, because once you start, it’s hard to stop.

 

“I’m gonna call a taxi. See you later at the hotel” he murmurs.

 

It’s the first time, Nick realizes, that he’s voluntarily walking off from Howie.

 

It’s weird, it’s scary, and sounds terribly wrong, but he’s doing it.

 

And someway, Earth hasn’t stopped rotating, and Nick’s still standing.

 

 

**V.**

 

“I think we forgot we’re forty, now”

“I think we forgot how ugly that hat is, Aje. And it’s gotten worse over time”

 

AJ grunts and throws his hat on Kevin’s face, sliding down on the chair and crossing his arms.

 

“Whoa” Brian comments, looking at them, “someone _really_ forgot we’re forty”

 

“Fuck you, that hat is beautiful”

 

Howie sighs sadly, closes his eyes and massages his own temples.

When he opens them again, looks at Nick straight in the eyes, and his need is pretty obvious.

 

Lately, Howie’s been seeming steadily on the verge of a breakdown.

He’s been getting a lot of calls that aren’t from work (or so he thinks – it’s not like Nick spies him or something), which seem to make him even sadder.

 

Nick hasn’t asked anything, because when Howie has problems, he speaks with AJ, not with him. Not anymore.

 

He deserves it, maybe. He’s never been a really good friend – or, speaker, for what it’s worth.

 

“What do you think, Frack?” Brian asks, poking him with his elbow.

 

“Oh, Nick likes pick _very much_ ” AJ answers with a smirk, and Nick’s neck turns so fast it’s almost painful.

 

Well, if there’s something Nick knows about himself, that is not being particularly subtle about things. 

So maybe AJ, that stupid dick, had made him notice his not-so-healty obsession for pink, but Nick has never really cared and he still ignores him – he tries to, at least.

 

“We’ve been fucking around for hours just to talk about a stupid hat. I don’t have anything to say” he states, but he doesn’t stop staring at the table.

 

“No. We also have to talk about Kevin’s plumage” AJ winks at him.

 

_Gosh._

 

 

Four hours later, after deciding that Kevin’s plumage is sexy and AJ’s hat is not _that_ bad – Nick still has his doubts about that –, they have a meeting to try their clothes.

 

Nick is the last to come, and when he walks through the door there’s so much silence that his steps echo in the room.

 

Nick dresses himself accurately avoiding to look at the mirror – or at everyone at all, to be fair –, so the first time he meets his reflection for the first time, he sighs relieved.

 

“Why did I think it was _way_ worse?” he asks, turning on his side.

 

“Because you’re dumb” AJ replies, wearing his hat. “Fuck, I’m still hot!” he notices, and Howie laughs for the first time in the entire day.

 

“Wow, Bone. Teach me humility. And all that confidence” he adds, smiling at AJ’s middle finger.

 

Nick struggles to hold back a violent reaction.

 

Because even though Howie is smiling, Nick can see him jumpy in front of the mirror, while he opens and closes the buttons of his shirt again and again, tightening the belt and his hand keeps rubbing the rim of his jacket. It’s a total mess.

 

Howie is nervous, but still beautiful.

Someway – in a weird, selfish way, he’s even better.

 

Nick thinks that if Howie could see inside him, he wouldn’t doubt anymore about being the most wonderful thing in the world.

 

“So, you _really_ like pink” AJ bites his cheek, and Nick thinks he’s going crazy, because there’s pink _everywhere_.

 

“I’ve been gaining weight lately, I think” Howie says with panic, raising the shirt and checking himself.

 

And before Nick can help it, he’s chocking on his saliva, making Kevin roll his eyes, annoyed.

 

“Are we sure _pink_ is the real problem?” he hums, but then a feather makes him sneeze and Nick doesn’t even have to answer to it.

 

“Seriously, I’m fat” Howie repeats, and clearly he hasn’t heard a word of what they were saying, and this time in his voice there’s anxiety.

Nobody is listening to him.

 

Nick gets closer to him – closer than his conscience thinks it’s right –, and Howie doesn’t seem to have noticed it, at least until he huffs trying to set his pants’ pocket: “Sometimes I really hate the way you’re beautiful no-matter-what. Even with that air cut that you used to have when you were a kid. The one with the bangs” he specifies, and Nick nods.

 

“Yeah, I got it” he smiles. Howie lowers his eyes.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it as a bad thing”

“I stopped listening to you at when you said I’m beautiful” Nick smirks, and Howie roll his eyes at the ceiling, but he doesn’t look bothered for real.

 

Nick feels his heart a little bit lighter, because Howie is focused on him, and on him only. Not on AJ, or Kevin. Or Leigh.

 

And he’s smiling at Nick the way he used to do, and Nick realizes how much he has missed it.

 

“You’re always the same, Nicky” Howie says. Nick feels a knot in his throat.

“Well, thank God” he tries to laugh, but his voice sounds hoarse.

 

Howie looks like he’s about to say something, but his phone starts to ring. Nick doesn’t need to read the screen to know how it is.

  
“Sorry, it’s- I have to answer” Howie mumbles, running out the room.

 

Nick stays still like that for a while, until he meets AJ’s disappointed look.

  
“Wow, you’re really blind” he shakes his head, but for the first time in his life, he doesn’t look like he’s joking.

He looks more like he’s pissed off, and Nick feels another brick in his stomach.

 

“Please, can you just let it go?” he asks, tiredly. “Seriously, today I don’t- it’s too much, even for me” he whispers, taking a huge breath from his mouth and trying to stay calm.

 

AJ seems curious, then he smiles and it doesn’t feel like is AJ at all.

 

“I think it’s normal. You know, having a crush for a band mate. You end up 24/7 with a person and at some point, something just clicks. I thought it would’ve been Kevin, you know; tall, bossy, and other things that people usually love.

But Howie- he has this flaw of being _fantastic_. And he’s pretty clueless, too. But you already know, right?” he sighs. “What I mean is- doesn’t that annoy you? Isn’t that _too much_?”

 

Nick doesn’t get his point – or he does, but so what?

 

He smiles: “Some days I can’t even look at him properly. One day Brian told me it was like I had written it on my forehead. And then I asked myself why. Why everyone can see it but him? But maybe he knows it. He already knows it and that’s why we are like this”

  
“ _Like this_ how?” AJ asks, and Nick opens his mouth to answer, but he doesn’t have one.

 

Because in the end, nothing has really changed; Howie is still Howie, and the band is still the band, but Nick doesn’t feels himself anymore.

 

“I thought I would’ve gone” he murmurs, staring at his feet. “I kept telling myself so, at some point I even believed it. But it’s more than that. It’s like, faith? Or something like that” he concludes, and he’s aware he’s blushing. And he’s blushes even more when AJ starts laughing.

 

“Faith? Wait, I just can’t” he giggles, and Nick almost feel offended. “What’s your faith? Being a lonely Romeo and waiting for die while trying to get into his pants? Okay, _okay_ ” he raises his hands, because Nicks glares at him and seems ready to kill him, “I know it’s not just that. But it’s what you’re doing. You’re literally getting older and older, man. And you’re alone. And in love. And you don’t get it. You don’t get a shit, buddy”

 

“Thanks a lot, Aje. Now I feel a lot better, thank you for existing” Nick says with sarcasm, but he feels a smile on his own lips even though he doesn’t really want to.

 

“No no no, wait. I hadn’t finished” AJ fidgets on his seat. “Normally, I wouldn’t say anything, because you’d deserve it for being stupid as fuck. _Listen to me_ ” he raises his voice when Nick tries to speak, “Howie- it’s not like you think. You have to talk to him. But, like, _talk to him_ ” he emphasizes, and Nick feels the need to tear his hair off.

 

Why has he thought talking to AJ would be a good idea?

AJ is, no matter what he says, the same who waited for Rochelle to make the first move, so-

  
“Okay, AJ” Nick says, standing up and changing his clothes quickly. “I’ll do it. Like, _never_ ” he adds, and AJ gasps.

 

“It’s so _incredible_ how stupid you can be even with your pretty, hearty eyes. You know what? I’ve done my job, I don’t care anymore about the both of you” he finishes, before leaving him alone.

 

Nick watches him disappearing to the corner, then he shakes his head.

 

Apparently, being in love with the less suitable person in the world is _not_ his biggest problem.

 

What a life, Carter.

 

 

By the time Nick gets rid of Paula and her not requested styles’ advice it’s almost dark, and he’s walking so quickly he doesn’t see the person he has in front of him, so he bumps into him.

 

“Jesus, sorry, I didn’t see- Howie?”

 

“Hey. Have you- have you done with the meeting?”

 

“Yeah, we… are you crying?” Nick hesitates, his hand reaching out to touch Howie, but he just moves a little bit, silently shaking his head.

 

Nick’s hand falls stupidly on his side.

Maybe where it’s supposed to stay, after all.

 

“If something happened” he tries again, “ _anything_ \- you can talk to me, you know that. I’m here, I can help you”

 

_Please, talk to me._

 

“No, you can’t” Howie says, but this time his voice is broken. “Just go, Nick. You don’t have to worry about me”

 

_Yes, I do_ , it’s what Nick would like to answer. _It’s what I’ve been doing for my entire life._

 

Instead-

“Don’t push me away” he hears himself say. Howie looks almost surprised; he’s not crying anymore, but his eyes are circled red, and tired.

 

Then he smiles: “Pushing you away? It’s not what I’m doing, believe me”

 

“It’s what it looks like, though” Nick whispers, and he might as well say it aloud. “Every time you turn away from me, and you don’t talk to me for days if I don’t start first. And I never know what to say. Everything seems useless. And… since when AJ has become the one you tell your secrets?” Nick feels his cheeks burning with shame, but it doesn’t matter. “You keep doing even though you it hurts. And you know _how much_ it hurts, right? You know it. That’s why we’re acting like this” he blurts, tightening his fists with so much anger his nails are marking the skin.

 

“It hurts me as well” Howie murmurs. He takes some paper out of his pocket. “I received it today” he says, weakly. “Leigh asked for a divorce” 

 

Nick doesn’t understand.

 

“What?” he asks, indeed.

 

“I was trying to telling you then, with her-” Howie starts, and Nick suddenly feels nauseated.

 

“With _her_?! It’s been _years_ , Howie!”

“I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t know _what_ to say. Because I was sure you would’ve tried to make me feel better. Or worse, to fix us. And I didn’t want either of those things. Can you get it?”

 

_No_

 

“Yes” Nick sighs, getting closer but not daring to touch him.

 

They stay silent for some minutes, and it takes Nick a while to realize Howie is crying again.

 

Nick reaches for his hand and interlaces their fingers. Howie’s grips hard, and it hurts a little bit, and Nick’s heart just jumps.

 

“Is it my fault?” he asks, quietly.

 

He’s not sure he wants to really know.

Because there’s a little part of him that hopes for a positive answer, and Nick feels guilty.

It’s always been like this.

 

“No, Nicky. It’s my fault”

 

Howie’s lips stretch in a small smile, but he looks sad.

 

“I’m the one who- I got scared so _b-badly_ ” he stutters, biting his lip. “And I thought a woman could- fuck, I’ve ruined everything” his hand shakes into Nick’s, but the latter just hold him stronger. If it hurts, Howie doesn’t complain.

 

“You should’ve told me then. We’ve just wasted so much time” 

 

There’s not harm in Nick’s words. He just feels bitter.

 

“Nicky-”

“The thing is- I could live with all this for the rest of my life” Nick snorts, but it’s not funny. This time, Howie hugs him hard, and he tries not to get distracted too much.

 

“I could fake it doesn’t exist, but- I hate thinking of a future you’re not in. I hate thinking you could grow old with someone else. That _I_ could grow old with someone else. Because it’s you. It’s _always_ been you. I tried to ignore it, but you- it’s still here. You’re still here. And you’ll always be here, no matter what”

 

By the time finishes to speak, he’s sobbing hard. And when Howie strokes his cheek, Nick falls.

 

“I love you, don’t you get it? I fucking love you”

“I know” Howie mumbles in his hair. “I know, _I know_. Nick, look at me. _Nicky_ ” he calls him, putting his fingers under Nick’s chin.

 

_Please_

_Please, don’t push me away_

_Please, let me stay_

 

Howie is staring into his eyes, like he’s never done before. Nick feels himself like stone.

 

“I love you, too. I _love_ you, Nicky”

 

And it’s like being kids again.

 

Perhaps because Nick loves Howie like the very first day; maybe it’s because he still needs to hold his hand like when he was twelve, or could be the fact that Howie doesn’t age at all – but Nick feels his stomach full of weirdly pleasuring bubbles, and before he can think of anything more, Howie kisses him.

 

And he doesn’t feel bubbles, but a whole sea-quake.

 

Howie pulls Nick onto him, his hands on the other’s cheeks, and keeps kissing him hard even though they’re in the middle of an hotel’s garden.

 

“Howie”

“Hmm?”

“Howie, let’s go”

“No, just kiss me”

 

And to be honest, it’s not like Nick has exactly something to complain about it.

 

So he snorts between his lips and just makes him happy, shivering when Howie’s hand touches the skin under his shirt.

 

“Howie” he says again after a few minutes.

“ _Hmm_ ”

“You still have the commercial’s clothes” Nick sighs, pulling himself apart, unwillingly.

 

Howie pouts, then raises an eyebrow and whispers on Nick’s ear: “I’ve heard somewhere that you like me in pink” and Nick wheezes.

 

“You _freak_!” he shrieks, but not every part of his body seems to agree.

 

“Nicky”

“Uh?”

“ _Let’s go_ ”


End file.
